Firstly, my earbuds have packed up. This is a disaster of monumental proportions. I want to run and hide, or be sick behind this flower bowl sponsored by London Midland. So, my journey today will consist of trying to block out key annoying individuals. I've already identified one, and I don't think I'm the only one he's pissng off.
He's talking loudly, and I mean VERY loudly into a blackberry, complaining of some sort of server issue and how Samson is going to fix it. I'm pretty sure the volume of his conversation has been elevated a few decibels for the benefit of us uneducated, apparently un-IT literate. Your a middle aged man, with more than middle spread, in fact I'd say a full blown spread. Your belly is peeking out from under your shirt and you have a massive bunch of keys attached to your belt loop. Why? Do you moonlight as a janitor?! No one is impressed by your technical sounding conversation. Unless you can fix my desktop, there seems to be some sort of driver missing.
My attention is now brought in another direction as I spot my ultimate nemesis, Fruit Pastille Guy. My heart sinks and panic has risen in my chest. I will educate you on who Fruit Pastille Guy is later, but a video says it so much better than my words possibly can. I realise that I'm staring him out, my eyes boring into his very being and he shifts uncomfortably from one perfectly white pristine trainer to another.
Nice! Train is here and I can hopefully escape from FPG and Server man and walk down the platform. FPG gets on my carriage FUCK! I've no option but to hover in the door to see which direction he goes. Right, right.. Yes, he's gone! I've slunk to a seat right at the very front facing in the opposite direction of travel with a tiny section of window to keep me from going insane and I can concentrate on the rain that's battering against it. There's something quite calming about the rain.
FPG and Server Man are nowhere to be seen. Now all I have to contend with are excessively loud Metro page turners. Sounds extreme I know, damn my super-sensitized hearing!!
I'm staring longingly through into the first class carriage. Would it be any better in there? Do these fat cat business men like peace and quiet or are they the worst? I can imagine pissing contests to see who has the best smart phone, laptop or briefcase. Or who can have the loudest, most inane and completley ridiculous conversation to a PA called Sharon instructing her to pull the Bankman files immediately and to alert the board of a possible meeting this afternoon (overheard from a previous journey!)
So, I actually feel calmer today and I think that tapping manically on my blackberry has helped. I've only got 2 stops to go, and the woman sitting opposite me sniffing is barely bothering me at all, TISSUE? MOTHER FUCKER?!
A. Passenger
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