It's Not Easy Being Green

So, back on the train after almost a week of sheer bliss and not having to deal with my fellow idiot commuters.  I've come back from a super long weekend in the countryside and I feel rejuvenated, relaxed and at peace.  I hope I'm not turning into one of those hippy mother types, minus the kids of course.  Though, in all honesty - I could very well still be drunk from the weekend.

This morning was a frantic dash to the station as I took a bit too long getting ready.  I blame the re-runs of Will and Grace on Channel 4.  I arrive at the station and head to the ticket booth to renew my travel pass.  I stand patiently in line waiting for the old geezer from the cafe opposite to finish his casual chat with the station staff.  Tapping feet and tutting loudly commence.  Perhaps he's the one who feeds sausage fingers and her elderly mate in the morning.

Ticket purchased surprisingly quickly actually and I'm on the platform in record time.  I can't stop sneezing this morning, the air is thick with pollen and I sound pathetic.  Through my watery eyes, I spot FPG.  God, straight back into the commute then.  He turns round as though he can feel my eyes on him.  To my surprise he doesnt glare.  His face softens when he notices my runny eyes and nose, he too is sporting a rather rudolph-esque nose.  He's either sick or suffering with hayfever like me.  I feel a twinge of guilt for my nemeisis as I secretly hope its an allergy to chewy sweets.

I notice quite a few people are sneezing and can't help but spot this one man who has all the right props for doing an impression of a respectable business man.  Briefcase, check, broadsheet, check.  He has the loudest sneeze ever which infuriates me.  I mean, it sounds like breaking glass.  He crescendos up the scale to an almighty CHOOOOOOOOOOOO!  Which lingers just that little bit too long.  It makes my blood boil.  My grandfather sneezes like this and he may be 70 odd but not too old I'd unplug the stairlift as punishment.  I don't have the perfect sneeze but it's quiet and unassuming.  It does the trick and gets the stuff out of my nose.  I see no reason to make a show of it.  Hang on maybe I'm missing a trick.  I could strap a drum to my back and cymbal to my head and start a one man bad and maybe bring in a few extra pounds in the morning.

Anway, this respectable guy is sneezing away and I think he's even annoying FPG who glares at him.  Respectable guy has obviously run out of tissues as he sneezes into his plam, inspects the contents ad wipes it on to his trousers.  That has to be one of the most fucking disgusting things I have ever seen.  Although, it looks to me as though he has plenty experience inspecting bodily fluids in his hand.  This one cannot have taken a wife.  If he has it was under duress or ordered on the internet.  I think I might be sick.  Do people have no manners?  My friend at work once told me a guy on the train snotted into his hankie and polished his shoe with it.  I'm not sure if thats resourceful or just plain disgusting.  Takes going green to a whole new level.

The train pulls into the platform and I cannot wait to get on it.  The doors open right in front of me and FPG is heading in my direction.  He stretches his arm out and motions me on first.  FPG has manners?  Really?  He must have been reading about himself and decided to shape up.  Really though, if you want a girlfriend its been a long time coming rubber face.  Anyway, he let me on first but then his arm sort of hovers in the air around me protectively as I step on.  Yes, I am a woman.  I require protection from all sorts of dragons etc.  Could this be a new found respect between nemesis and super commuter?  The world is out of balance, Lex Luthor and Superman cannot co-exist in harmony can they?

I find a seat on train on my own, then some hippy mother sits next to me with her brood of about 17.  She pulls out a broadsheet which takes up her space and most of mine.  I have no choice but to read her poncy paper.  Actually, its the Guardian which I really like.   I hope she gets off before me and leaves it.  I hear her sniffing and realise shes a fellow hayfever sufferer.  Shame.  Her children are annoying me as I hear them snuffling like pigs and pulling her newspaper.  God please get off soon.  Then, all of a sudden she throws her head back and her face explodes into her newspaper with an almighty CHOOOO as she rains little droplets of snot into the centrefold.  The page is pebble dashed with the contents of her nose and mouth. She doesn't even have the good grace to say "excuse me"

Just lovely.  I hadn't had breakfast this morning.

A. Passenger